I posted this to Facebook on Sept 5th, 2021.
It took A LOT to post and admit. I am copying it here in case Facebook decides the post doesn't meet their "community standards" and deletes it on me.
I was sitting on the floor with the lights out just holding and petting Taz and literally and figuratively in a VERY dark place.
Right now I need a cleansing, a catharsis of sorts. What I am about to say and admit I thought I was going to take to the grave.
In 1978, when I was just five, I was sexually molested by a girl that lived in our cul-de-sac. The exact events and details are very unclear and fuzzy to me. I am just left with some confusing, haunting and disturbing images and feelings. for 44 years I have held this secret, told NO ONE until just a few months ago when I told my Wife, Nicole. Only ONE other person has been told, though I don't think it really dawned on them the extent of what I was admitting and how it affected me. This incident has colored my life, influenced my personality, my actions and even my identity. It has led to quite a bit of pain and anguish in my life.
Then in the Army I was again assaulted and beaten by a person in a position of power and authority. Then I was legally blamed for it when I came forward. THIS has scarred me for the rest of my life. Has led to terrorizing nightmares, memories even dark foreboding voices in my head. since then I have made decisions that were detrimental to me and many of those around me. I have done some really terrible things to people as a way to "feel better". And at the same time I have, in a way, atone for those thoughts, actions and deeds by becoming a Medic, a Firefighter and many times a protector. I have given the shirt off my back to strangers in need. Yet, I never found the "healing" I was seeking.
When I got out of the Army I went down a VERY destructive path, hurt some people for no good reason. Attached myself to someone who was VERY self-serving and abusive. Drank heavily, stole, lied, cheated and just became a real shit-head. About the only good thing was I didn't turn to drugs. So thankfully I'm not hooked on crack or heroin. Even my tolerance for alcohol has become to the point where I can't even tolerate the taste of it.
I have made decisions that would hopefully lead to my demise, ran into situations with no regard to my personal survival or safety. I just wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. Make something of myself in a way that I couldn't do on a daily basis.
Then, fortunately I met the love of my life, MY protector, MY guardian. And strangely enough it was because of a bad decision and relationship that brought us together. She has suffered, she has sacrificed, she has been "tormented" and judged harshly over the past years by those who did not understand what I was going through, what I was doing to myself and all the while she was just protecting me (and some others) from the demons, voices and ill thoughts I was, and still am, wrestling with.
What do I hope to gain from writing and sharing, I don't know. Maybe nothing. I'm not sure. all I know is that if I continue to sit here in the dark and let those "demons", thoughts and voices continue to run unabated tonight it will hurt a lot of other people. Again, always the protector, ironic.
Unlike many others, I don't blame my family, society or anything else for my life and my past actions. I blame those three separate "incidents" and people for pushing me along the path I have taken. ALL my other actions and decisions, the people I have hurt and wronged because of my pain I blame only myself. I could have spoke up sooner. Sought the help I desperately needed rather then try to self destruct regardless of who I took with me.
Maybe by sharing this tale someone else will have the courage to face THIER demons, dark thoughts, voices and not make the same mistakes and actions I have.
Do I feel better now? Oh far from it! But maybe other will have a better understanding of me, what I do and why I do the things that I do and the many times with no reason or aforethought. IT gets tiring pretending everything is "hunky dory" and you can take on the word, when in fact you are frightened, ashamed, over-whelmed and ready to call it quits just to put on a "brave" face and not "bother" anyone else with my ills, pains, thoughts, guilts and demons.